I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
