btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
