hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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