Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
