Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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