I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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