I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
