Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
