me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
