you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
