I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I smell like Dick and happiness
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
