You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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