Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
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