She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
