Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
