this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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