I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
