You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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