i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
