i need an iv and a liver transplant
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Randomize
