Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
