Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
