What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
