i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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