dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
