Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
