and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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