Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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