i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
