I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
