this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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