She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Randomize