i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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