I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
