good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
