everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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