remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
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While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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