She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
