I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
