I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
