i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
