I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
