my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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