Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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