I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
