you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
