so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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