i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
