i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
