I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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